Absurdist / Stream of Consciousness Comedy Monologues

Pick a monologue below. Perform it. Credit me. Savor the experience. Send me your performance and I’ll share it here.

  • The Horse That Was Silly Have you ever died? The horse did!
  • My Problem It was very taxing! I’m not clowning around
  • The Worst Date Leprechauns, sharks, and a whole lotta ocean!
  • White on Rice Don’t try to figure this one out. Just go with the absurdity.
  • My Desk is White Another stream of consciousness word jumble! Take the challenge!

The Horse That was Silly

1 Person

2 minutes

One day I saw a horse that was eating a main course and left his house so he could chill but he rolled down a big hill. When he landed he was hurt and had to call Ernie and Bert cause they always helped him out, read him news and fed him trout. Thy heart was broken when he found the number dialed went around the whole darn world. What could have happened, he was sure he had a napkin? So, he took an apple from his pants, held it high, and did a dance. Took a bite, delicious, great, ate it at a startling rate. Then he jumped into a pool, even though he was in school, smiled a lot at all the hot girls that he could see, took some rice poured in some ice and threw away his key.

The next morning he was spent, knew he couldn’t pay his rent. Ran away and laughed his head off, went to France and brought back a cough. Coughed his heart out, spilled his liver, went to Kmart hit a “kidder” dude that lied at everyone, told those he saw he was fun. He was falsifying, can’t you see, his idea of fun is a night spent in a tree. But the poor young horse didn’t know all this, said “sorry for hittin’ ya and gave him a kiss.” They left holding hands on horsey’s demand, rolled though boxes of sand and said yay, yay, aww man. “Aww, man” was said because horsey was dead but he came back to life in 10 minutes. He was sad that he did die so he started to cry, bought some BK French fries, and began to tell lies about heaven and such. Though he didn’t know much the old kidder believed and he felt so relieved. So the two friends walked on and they started a song about monkeys in thongs and they began to be wrong.

m,l;’m,l’kml’mklpvgudx rtaswrtxguv nbihghumnhjui, tunfdfdfunrtnjfnfjn fjdhbfjbddadadadaswui!!!!!! This was horrible. They could not believe what had transpired. So now I won’t rhyme!

My Problem

1 Person

1:30 Minutes

 One day I was walking down the street and I found a scary old man. The man said “Hey, kids, whassssuupppp?” I was totally scared and didn’t know what to do, so I picked up my cell phone and called my daddy. He came and saved the day and then I was happy. Until….

A mortified monkey came crashing into my body sending me flying through the air and smashing forcefully into a pillow. Thank God for pillows. Then, all of a sudden a horse went “NEIGH” and I started to cry because I had missed the Britney Spears concert and I was completely overcome with grief. A ravishing young dude walked past me holding firmly onto his pet chicken. Rubbing my hair I said “heeeeeeeeey, baby! What’s your number”

“867-5309,” is what he respond with a maniacal grin. He tore off the mask and revealed to me that he was a member of the IRS! AHHHHHHHHH! What a cruel fate for me to have fallen in love with a member of the IRS! Thirty seconds later as I was being yelled at about not paying my taxes, which are against my religion as it is, a clown came running past frantically searching for his wallet. He tossed me 800,000 dollars and kissed me and ran. I was pissed off cuz a clown kissed me.

(Feel free to exchange “pissed” for “mad” if you aren’t comfortable saying that.)

The Worst Date

1 Person

2 Minutes

A very sexy guy walked past me and asked if I wanted to go for a ride in his private jet plane. I reluctantly agreed…… Ok, so it was not reluctant but hey, who’s taking tabs anyways. Muwuhahahahahahaha moving on… My newfound friend and I were on our way to his private jet (which was in China) and at about the halfway point through the Pacific he started screaming. Leprechauns were attacking a young shark baby. We had to do something, so he grabbed a boulder and threw it at the leprechauns. They died and the baby shark was saved, but almost instantly he turned around and ate my new friends that had not even told me his name yet that had a jet in China that we were on our way to so we could board it and fly places.

I wasn’t stranded in the Pacific because suddenly a floating apple told me a secret. It told me to yell, “I’m stupid” really loud! I did as she said and nothing happened. I did it again and again until I could do it no more. The apple laughed at me hysterically. “You idiot,” it said, “Apples can’t talk, and you just called you self stupid many times!”

I grabbed the inflatable UFO out of my pants, blew it up, and flew back to good ole Los Angeles. When I deplaned (or would that be de UFOed?) I noticed it was 2:26 and my teacher was pissed off at me for not doing my assignment. I pressed “self-destruct” and blew up and died meaning I was no longer alive or breathing and then came back to life and said “Aww man, I’m pissed off. This pisses me off.”

The End

PS: I love you, but not really. hahahahahha… hehe

White On Rice

1 Person

2 Minutes

American Pie is a funny song but not as funny as the version currently stuck in my head by Weird Al Yankovic. One time he put his head in his accordion. Accordions are funny. You know what else is funny? Cookies are. Well not really hehehe but anyways I just want y’all to know that rice is white for a reason. I put the white in rice. Here’s how. What, you don’t wanna hear? Well too bad I’ma tell you anyway. If you have ever seen the commercial for Cap’n Crunch, you know that the Cap’n is a captain and I saw a squirrel but I didn’t see a squirrel but I saw it cuz I didn’t see it but I did.

So as I walked through the valley I began to sing, to every creature and myself, every vascular thing. Then I took out my saxophone, blew up an egg and all the pieces of it flew and landed in huge giant keg. Then I said what the heck, this is a children’s book, so why all the beer and all the gobbledy gook? Until a chicken I was kickin and I wanted to be lickin turned and said I should be bread and took a bite out of my head. Now by this point I was freaked, something deep inside was tweaked and it made me stop to think, was there something in my drink? Course the corn could not have helped because my puppy dog had yelped even tho I did not have one I could swear that I had someone.

Yes, that’s right it was my cat who had been getting really fat. No longer fitting in his jeans, they were bursting at the seams. Now I’m sure by now you’ve guessed, no longer are we in Kansas. So I marched on down that path through the apples into wrath. Past the trees there was a breeze and it brought it to me my knees. I said please, you are a tease, and the wind began to laugh. I asked the wind are you my friend and why my heart do you make thrust? And it replied before it sighed, “because I must” and then it died. I continued on my way, tripped on down into a bay, climbed back out in time to say, “man this day is really… dumb.”

My Desk is White

1 Person

2 Minutes

My desk is white, but that’s alright, cuz it’s not white at all, but since it’s not, it is so white, that I can’t stand the sight of 250, a robot who’s really fat, not phat, I ain’t down with that. So hey yo chico, puddin’ and pie, me oh me oh me oh my. Bailar mean to dance, in Spanish that is. 250 means uh hula bloggedy biz. Hopefully this does not make any sense cuz I want it to. Boohoo, that’s the noise of crying I know it for a fact. I’ll make impact like 250 when she flies, lands on her eyes, goes blind, I hate when I have to rewind. I also hate blue jeans, they’re really dumb, I sometimes drink apples and suck on my thumb. It’s almost time for me to leave, so when I jump, go burn some trees, not drugs you silly, wack hillbilly, the kind that give us oxygen, and yes they do give it to hens. Hens make eggs cuz they don’t but they do but they don’t wanna but they do wanna cuz they do but they don’t. I wanna make a song but I don’t cuz I won’t. Donuts are eaten by officers or cops, have you ever eaten a gumdrop?